An open letter to my Philadelphia Eagles

Dear Philadelphia Eagles,

Thanks for saving me money this year. As you may have heard, I moved out of town 3 years ago. It costs a lot of money to be your fan in the south. Over the last 3 seasons, I painstakingly checked the tv schedule for national games and "local" appearances. When that didn't work, I spent tons of cash drinking beer at crowded, smoke-filled bars to see you. I hate crowded, smoke-filled bars. So devoted to you, I befriended people with DirectTV even though I secretly didn't like spending time with them. When I couldn't go over to my "friend's" place or go out, I paid to listen to you over the internet. For you, I endured hours of ridicule at work for being "the Eagles fan." I wore that label as a badge of honor even through the T.O. bullshit. I covered my cube with YOU (and a tiny picture of my wife.) When last season ended, I made a silent pledge to convince my wife to let me get the NFL package this year.

After getting sick in the off-season, being on disability and eventually leaving my job, I had to trim the budget. So, I got rid of cable. Secretly, I pined for you, my Eagles. I planned and schemed to introduce satellite into the house for the fall. We would be together again!

As the summer wore on, I missed TV less and less. I enjoyed the $60 in monthly savings more and more. I had Netflix and WoW. I was fine. Then the preseason started and withdrawal set in. How could I survive without "Fly EAGLES fly?" I reminded myself that it was simply preseason.

I missed the opener against the Packers. I read you played horribly, but I told myself that this was Donovan's post-injury rust. I knew it was my fault for not being there for you. I felt so bad. Monday Night Football against the hated Redskins would be better. I would be there for you, in public, in my Westbrook jersey! I would scream "E-A-G-L-E-S...EAGLES!" every time you scored against those hated pigskins.

So tonight, I drove 45 minutes to meet a friend...a REDSKINS fan...so I could cheer you on and in true Eagles-Fan tradition, give him crap for having such a bad team. So what if his team has actual Super Bowl wins. They suck! I'm from Philly!

But you know what. You sucked! You didn't even put on a pretense of not sucking. You sucking sucked...you suckers! I spent $40, smell like smoke and feel bloated for what? So you could lolly-gag on Monday Night Football? You sucked in front of the nation. People at the bar didn't give me crap. Nooooo! They gave me pity. PITY! Me! An Eagles fan! They hate Eagles fans here. Why would they offer me pity? Because you SUCK!

So, I need some time to myself to work through my anger. During that time, I will not defend Donovan "bounce-pass" McMissy's accuracy. I will not speak about the amazing Johnson "can't stop the run" blitz D-Fence. Instead, I will take some time to enjoy my fall Sundays reading a book or grilling on the deck. This way, I'll save money and return to you ready to renew our relationship.

I suggest you take this time to stop SUUUUCKKKING!!!


Your "loyal" fan,

LRNs

P.S. Did I mention that you suck? Good! I didn't want to forget that point.