Critics Completely Missed the Mach 5 Magic

I have seen the definition of kitchy and it's name is Speed.

The definition that means cool but cheesy...not the other ones.

Yes, I saw Speed Racer this weekend, just like you knew I would. Was there a doubt? Do you know how large my matchbox car (hotwheels for today's crowd) collection was as a kid?

Usually, I trust the collective wisdom of rotten tomatoes to help me plan a trip to the movies. Not this time. The critics pounded this movie to a dismal 35% freshness rating and I'm at a loss because of it. I don't think "they" got it. Did they take it too seriously? Did they miss the joke completely? The Wachowski brothers didn't go for the "serious" re-mastering like Michael Bay did with Transformers. They went totally for a really campy, video-game feel. I understood this going in and I enjoyed myself because of it.

OK, forget the commentary about movie critics. Let's get to a spoiler free review of the film.

I LOVED IT! It was fan-freaking-tastic. It truly was a live-action, modernized version of the 60's cartoon. It was dazzling and cheezy. The cars treat physics the way my father's mar martini treats vermouth...passing acknowledgment at best. Yes, everyone blows up and nobody dies. Yes, the race sequences require the visual acuity of a hockey goalie to follow. Yes, the chimp humor is over-the-top. Yes, it's a world of barely two-dimensional characters. Yes, big corporations are bad and little guys with dreams are good. Who cares?!? I loved almost every minute of it. I felt like a little kid pushing my cars around the tracks again. Racer X is da man!

If I haven't gotten through to you yet, then you've grown up a little too much. Try this...

Remember your old hotwheels race tracks? Now, picture how you imagined them, make it CGI and then make it BIGGER! Remember how you used to smash your cars up like some sort of mega-demolition derby? Make that bigger too. That's what the race tracks were like in the movie. Remember being 7 and loving Speed Racer? Discover that happy inner-child. Don't think about it. Don't go watch the old Speed Racer cartoons on Hulu. (You'll totally regret that!) Just be that kid trying to piece together enough track to launch your cars off the top of the china cabinet before your mom caught you. If you can go see Speed with that attitude, I know you'll love it.

Note: I just never had enough track or enough stuff to make a sturdy enough trestle to pull off the china cabinet jumps. Ah well.

Also, did you ever seen the myth-busters episode where they tried to race a hotwheel down a mountain road against a corvette? That's the inner child I'm talking about!