Today's title is the best way I can describe the events of the past few days. I didn't order this "meal" but I went ahead and ate it anyway. In the process, I received a very real reminder that mountain top & valley experiences are sometimes the same thing.
When I planned my trip north to see Cainam (Slick is away on business) I expected a weekend filled with XBox, geek-speak, Anime movies and lots of steak! I'm certain to get all of those before the weekend is over, but things have not gone as expected.
As you may remember from my post last week, Don't Give Up, Never Give Up, Karen was rushed to UPenn hospital last week. When I spoke to her on the phone she was clearly sick, tired and medicated, but she was still optimistic. I decided then and there that I would include her in my trip. Sadly, as my trip got closer and closer news of Karen's condition became more and more disconcerting. By the time I left my house on Thursday, it became clear to me that my trip held more meaning that going to cheer up a sick friend.
I spent most of my day on Friday at the hospital sitting with her and various members of her family. She was mostly lucid. She laughed for me. It was one of those marvelous Karen laughs -- muted and strained behind the breathing mask -- that took me back to meals at the "Garden Room" and silly drunken conversations in Walz during our sophomore year. I met her precious little girls. I played with the little one and read a book with her. She tugged on my goatee and laughed like a little Karen. It was wonderful and it was so very sad. By mid-afternoon more and more family had arrived. I felt it was time to make my exit, so I kissed Karen on the forehead and told her I loved her. It was a painfully slow ride back on the Schuylkill Expressway to Cainam's place that afternoon. I thought for certain that would be the last time I saw her.
This is where I pause and mention that I don't have a happy ending for you. Karen is still holding on, but not for much longer. Miracles can and do happen, just not always the ones we want. Still, I can't help but think that the next part of my story -- the really joyful part -- was all thanks to Karen and her silly laugh.
Within hours of being at Cainam's place, I had received and sent several phone calls. The "Muhl-Crew" was mobilizing. Practically everyone from my "college family" was coming to Philly to see Karen. Instead of a Saturday full of junk food and video games, I got a Saturday full of friends sharing stories and showing off children. (Some of whom I met for the first time.) Yes, none of us wanted to be huddled around that mass of cafeteria tables taking turns watching children and going to see Karen, but all of us felt a sense of belonging and togetherness we had not felt for years. I even found myself sitting at a Starbucks with "MetsFan" and his wife for over an hour just talking like we used to do when the three of us used to take wild all-night road trips to see the sunrise.
More than once this weekend I heard someone challenging God. Where was he? Why was he letting this happen? I was cautious with my responses, not wanting to challenge their pain and sorrow. I, however, knew exactly where God was. God was in the room! Cancer happens. SHIT happens! God's hand brought us together. God's tears were running just like ours. God was in that room with nearly 20 people trying to take turns kissing Karen on her head. God was clearly consipiring with Karen to give us one more surprise.
While we were all in college, we pronounced Halloween our holiday. For years after school, Halloween was the holiday we all got together, ate pumkin-chocolate-chip cookies and tried to develope a taste for wine. This lasted as the last of us got married, the first of the children were born and even survived several people moving away and back again. It finally died 3 years ago when Slick and I moved to Charlotte. Too quickly it faded from our collective memories.
So, imagine my surprise when I suddenly remembered that this is Halloween weekend. Karen brought us all together for "our" holiday. I called around to get the word out. Everyone was shocked and amazed by my revelation. None of us had thought of it until then. This to me is a miracle. It's not the one we wanted. Yet, it's an amazing gift from an amazing woman. If it's the last gift she gives me, then she saved the best for last.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring or if Karen will even survive the night. But I know God is with her. I know that I am better for knowing her. I know that I saw the true measure of her life this weekend. What a blessing.
I hope and believe that we will take this gift from Karen and use it to keep our friendships alive. Karen was hoping that we would all take a group vacation when she got better. For Karen, I'm hoping that we honor that wish.
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